My spiritual footing has been a bit shaky lately. Various areas of my life are just frustrating. So logically, I get spiritually apathetic.... yea.... because that's really logical and oh so helpful...
I've known for a good few weeks now that issues would cease to have such an impact if I set my priorities back in order. And yet, here I am.....Looking forward to finding out the benefits of this God-given stubbornness someday... Today, it seemed multiple women, most I don't know very well or at all, were all being used to shout the same message, in unison, directly to me.
First, I read a blog post from a wonderful mom I go to church with:
She wrote of her baby girl, Lacie, who has a horrible fear of getting her nails trimmed, having splinters removed or anything else involving a sharp object and trusting her mother to take care of the issue..... This hit home....hard....
Sarah realized in the battle to trim a piece of skin near Lacie's fingernail that the lesson was actually for her:
"All of a sudden, I looked down at my girl – and saw a very familiar ‘me’. This is my exact reaction when there is something that I know I need to take to the Lord. Though I don’t literally scream and cry – inside I do fret and worry. I tense up and while I start to hand it to Him – I immediately jerk it away – scared to death of what it’s gonna take to remove it from my life and convinced that it is going to bring unbearable pain. I sat on the bathroom floor with my baby girl and so gently held her hand in mine. I stopped to reassure her that I loved her. I had no desire to hurt her – that was not my intention. But if I didn’t remove this little bit of skin – it would only get worse. It might sting for a second, but then it would be over and she would feel so much better. Her little heart had such a difficult time processing this information. I looked at her again, and said, ‘Baby girl you have got to trust your mama.’ Over and over, I just whispered to her ‘trust’. Through tears she looked up at me and said, ‘But I’m scared of you. You’re going to hurt me.’ Everything in me switched into a calm and peaceful frame of mind (which was unusual as this carrying on is usually more frustrating than endearing) as suddenly the Lord stepped in to make sure I was paying attention – cuz all of this was for me
How many times have hard things come up in my life, but I’m too scared to take them to God? A God who loves me, delights in me, would do anything to protect and strengthen me. On good days, that’s so easy to believe – it’s so easy to climb into His arms, much like my baby girl would in mine – and trust and believe anything He said. But allow something to go wrong; have something more difficult and scary…something that I don’t know the end result to? And suddenly I’m throwing a fit on the floor doing anything I can to keep Him away. How many times have my actions screamed out ‘I don’t trust you’? How many times have I looked up at Him and confessed ‘But I know to get rid of this means it’s going to hurt?’ "
I immediately saw myself in little Lacie.... the things I've been carrying around.... guarding the equivalent of a festering sore.... I get home knowing I desperately need time with Lord and watch tv instead. Anything to just not address the issues, not acknowledge that I'm worried, frightened, frustrated.....I'd rather be distracted than have to deal with anything God may have to say to me. I don't want to see the clippers. My loving parent has told me the solution: I need to come to Him and trust. I'd rather run and hide. I somehow think that if I cower around my hurts long enough He'll somehow take pity on me and give me what I want instead of whats best for me... where oh where in all my recollections of experiencing God have I EVER known Him to do anything less than whats best for me??
Also like Lacie, I return to the same response when again faced with fear:
"when I needed to trim her sharp nails…and back to square one we went. The entire conversation…trust, I won’t hurt you, etc etc. All with the same ending down to the bear hug on the floor.
And wasn’t that just like me as well. How quickly I forget the lessons that God just finished teaching me. How much did He prove Himself trustworthy? And yet my mind still goes to ‘well, that was then…this time it could really hurt.’ And yet His patience far outweighs my doubt and disbelief. Oh, that I would just trust – and operate in that trust. He is a God who loves me. All that He does for me, all that He allows me to experience, everything is intended to grow me, protect me and ultimately demonstrate His love for me so much so that I demonstrate it to others. I am His baby girl, but it’s time I stopped behaving like a child"
As I was reading the end of her blog post, I was also listening to a spot on the WAYFM. One of the DJ's, Melissa, was sharing about her battles with an eating disorder. She made a point that Christian women tend to have great fear of being found out for what we struggle with. We cling to the ideal of having it all together. We compare to others often overlooking the truth that they have their own struggles going on even if they manage to keep it behind closed doors. There's a great power of bondage in stigma and fear.
Later in the evening, I read a blog post by another wise woman from a church I attended. She wrote of breaking the bondage of comparisons among women stating that we're all on the same team. I knew just what she meant when she wrote of feeling freed when another woman tells you they struggle with the same thing. One of my favorite quotes from pinterest echoes this: Friendship is born when someone says "You too?? I thought I was the only one!" There's perhaps a greater power in joining what the enemy seeks to separate. To band together for support and to present a united front.
So where does all of this leave me? Honestly.... growing in understanding doesn't always have any affect on "feeling" better.....Like Lacie, I remain guarded the very next time the issue comes up. I quickly forget what God has done and return to my default of distrust and fear of the hurt. I look at the next instance as failure. I didn't battle well enough the last time... Its back to hurt me again. So, I get worn out of battling at all. I refuse to trust the heart behind the arms that are holding me and the healing power residing there. I've been presented with the truth of what needs to happen, what will make me better. I've been here before, I've heard that same truth from the lips of my Heavenly Father. He's explained that its not His intention to hurt me. Yet, somehow, my default is to run back to a state of fear and disbelief that He's still just as caring, still just as gentle, and just as set on my well-being. So we'll continue this routine as He repeats the words and the motions: it's not my intention to hurt you, trust me, even though you don't know the ending, your hands are in mine. I'll make you better.
